Journey to the Top

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that
it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by
a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Company Motivation Posters

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It’s only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) We put the “k” in “kwality”
5) If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing.
6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
8)ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
9) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
10) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
11) Your job is still better than asking “You want fries with that?”
12) If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
13) At least you’re not being rectally probed by aliens.
14) Never quit until you have another job.

Reminder

Corporate Structure

Programmer to Team Leader :
"We can't do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it,
they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never
take these type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager :
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager :
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager :
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this
project, but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO :
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodelling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client :
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.

Office Ethics 2

Arguing with your Boss is like
wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually enjoying it.

Office Ethics

1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When your boss catches you - and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.
10. Have 2 Jackets
If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn whilst swanning around elsewhere
11. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T share this post to your BOSS!