Engineering Wisdom

Engineer says: Rugged
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift!

Engineer says: Lightweight
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged

Engineer says: Years of development
Engineer means: One finally worked

Engineer says: Energy saving
Engineer means: Achieved when the power switch is off

Engineer says: Low maintenance
Engineer means: Impossible to fix if broken

Wife or Mistress

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Cheating Wife

A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn’t have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator,
he decided to go with a much cheaper one — a Chinese man named *Mr. Lee*. The following day he received following report:



Mr. Honorable sir:

You leave house. I watch house. he come to house. I watch. He and
she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I
look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip
he. He play with he. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off
tree. I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

Why Marry an Engineer?

Ladies, when Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers:

Here is a plug for all the Engineers out there.

DOCTORS Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC. Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her.

TEACHER The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.

MINISTER See Teacher and substitute the word “girls” with “boys”.

Doctor's Last Word

A 20-yr old pretty, sexy and sensual girl went to see a psychiatrist.

Doctor, I'm so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I
feel that he's gone too far, and he deserves it.'

'Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your own
reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.'

'Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night...we parked our car
besides the beach and we were alone... and... he held my hand....'

'Did he hold your hand like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're holding it now'

'If it's only this, he doesn't deserve to be called Bastard. It means
he doesn't want to be separated from you.'

'Then, he leaned his body towards me... and hugged me...'

'Like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're doing.'

'It's not a Bastard.

It means he wanna stay forever by your side'

'Then he kissed me...'
'Like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you're kissing me.'

'If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can't call him Bastard.

it means he adores you.'

'Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc...'

'Like this?'

'Yes, Doctor... exactly like that'

'It's not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.'
'Then he took off all my clothes... slowly... '

'Did you resist?'

No. I let him do it, coz I love him...'

'Did he take off your clothes like this?'

'Yes, Doctor. Until I'm completely naked like now......'

'He still doesn't deserve to be called
'Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely.'

'Then he kissed me and put his.... inside me and had sex with me...'


'Did he do it just like what we do?'

'Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same'

'You still can't call him Bastard. It means he needs you.'

'But then he told me that he has AIDS'

*All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor
screaming,'*

Cousins of Null and Void

I thought of goggling my blog title and see the results:

1. Inactive Null and Void

2. Chinese Null and Void

3.Geek Null and Void

4. Punk Null and Void

Any suggestions?

Business Dictionary

Customer Service - pretending to serve the customers when what you want is more money from them.

Proactive Approach - doing something the entire time even if you are either preventing a problem or in fact creating more problems. But do something, always.

Time Management – allocating your time so that you will end up with only 4 hours of sleep every day.

Business Trip - free travel

Human Design

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Hillary Wins Big

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton grabs a wide margin over rival Senator Barrack Obama in the State of Denial.

Follow this link.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-dantoni/clinton-campaign-reduced_b_101263.html

Thomas Edison's Cigars

Thomas Edison was telling Mr Cary a story one day about the way his friends,
when they came into his office, would help themselves to his pure Havana cigars.
"They just take 'em by the handful," he said. "Why don't you lock them up?"
asked Mr Cary. "Never could remember to do it," returned Edison.
"Then, Johnson, my secretary you know, did a clever trick.
He had a friend in the cigar business and promised to get him to
make me some entirely of cabbage leaves and brown paper.
I thought that was a fine scheme. But the cigars didn't come,
so I asked him one day about it when I noticed my Havanas
disappearing again. 'Why, I sent them to you,' he said.
'I left them with your manager.' I called the manager in
and asked him where those cigars were. 'Why,' he said,
'I put them in your valise when you went to California
last month. I didn't know what they were.'"
"Do you know, Cary," continued Edison,
"I smoked everyone of those damned cigars myself!"

Engineer says

Engineer says: A number of different approaches are being tried.
Engineer means: We are still grasping at straws.

Engineer says: We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.
Engineer means: We just hired three kids fresh out of university.

Engineer says: Close project co-ordination.
Engineer means: We know who to blame.

Engineer says: Major technological breakthrough.
Engineer means: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

Engineer says: Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
Engineer means: We are so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get it delivered.

Engineer says: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
Engineer means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

Engineer says: Test results were extremely gratifying.
Engineer means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

Engineer says: The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
Engineer means: The only person who understood the thing quit.

Engineer says: It is in process.
Engineer means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless.

Engineer says: We'll look into it.
Engineer means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

Engineer says: Please read and initial.
Engineer means: Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.

Engineer says: Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
Engineer means: We'll listen to what you say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

Engineer says: Give us your interpretation.
Engineer means: I can't wait to hear this!

Engineer says: See me/Let's Discuss.
Engineer means: Come into my office, I'm lonely.

Engineer says: All new!
Engineer means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

Engineer says: Rugged.
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift!

Engineer says: Lightweight.
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged.

Engineer says: Years of development.
Engineer means: One finally worked.

Engineer says: Energy saving.
Engineer means: Achieved when the power switch is off.

Engineer says: Low maintenance.
Engineer means: Impossible to fix if broken.

The Engineer and the Manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.

"The man below says, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Useless Body Parts?

Male nipples just landed the top spot in the top ten
useless body parts.

MSN article

Any suggestions why?

Geography

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America , well-developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France - Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia , lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia , very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia , with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan . Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.






THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.

An Unusual Complication

A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-
hour surgical procedure.

A student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Journey to the Top

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that
it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by
a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Company Motivation Posters

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It’s only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) We put the “k” in “kwality”
5) If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing.
6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
8)ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
9) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
10) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
11) Your job is still better than asking “You want fries with that?”
12) If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
13) At least you’re not being rectally probed by aliens.
14) Never quit until you have another job.

The Trouble I Had With Sex

People who have dogs usually call them “Rover” or “Spots”. We’ll that’s with normal dogs and since my dog is different, I gave him a different name. I call him “Sex”. Well Sex turned out to be a very embarrassing name. One day, while taking Sex for a walk, he ran away from me. I spent hours and hours looking for him. A policeman came along and asked me what I had been doing in an alley at 2AM and I said, “I’m looking for Sex”. My case came up next week, charged with indecent solicitations.

One day I went to the town hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted and I told her I wanted a license for Sex. She said she would want one tool. When I said, “This is a dog” she said she didn’t care what it looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was five years old.” Whereupon she said, “Holy Molly, you must be very strong!”

When I decided to get married (to the town hall clerk) I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding, but he told me to try and wait after the ceremony. I said “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole life revolves around Sex”. He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding including her would enjoy having Sex there. We got thrown out of the church. We were married the next day to a Justice of Peace. My family is banned from the church.

My wife and I took the dog with us in the honeymoon and when I checked into the hotel, I told the manager I wanted a room for myself and my wife and a special room for Sex. He told me every room in the hotel is for sex. Then I said, “You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night”. He said, “I know, it keeps me awake too”.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married”, the Judge said, “Me too!” Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, banned from my church, been married, divorced and had more jam trouble with that dog that I had ever gambled for.

Just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, he asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Well, Sex had died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and it’s lonely.” The doctor looked at me and said, “Mister, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend, so get your self a dog.”

Office Ethics

1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When your boss catches you - and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.
10. Have 2 Jackets
If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn whilst swanning around elsewhere
11. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T share this post to your BOSS!

Woman