Saturday, December 29, 2007

Sacrifice

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my
pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales
and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the
Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at
his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a
very attractive and attentive gentleman.



DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino .. did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited
me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way
I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY .... DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to
the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again
asked me to visit him for the
night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his
way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.


DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Doubletalk

Geography

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America , well-developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France - Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia , lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia , very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia , with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan . Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.






THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick.

Friday, December 7, 2007

An Unusual Complication

A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-
hour surgical procedure.

A student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back
the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Journey to the Top

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that
it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some
more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by
a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Persistence

Company Motivation Posters


1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It’s only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) We put the “k” in “kwality”
5) If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing.
6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
8)ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
9) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
10) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
11) Your job is still better than asking “You want fries with that?”
12) If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
13) At least you’re not being rectally probed by aliens.
14) Never quit until you have another job.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Health advice from the best doctor ever




Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.




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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.




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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!











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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.




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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!




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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?




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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.




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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!




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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.




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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !











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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride! REALLY LIVED IT UP!!"

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Hell frozen over



http://www.blizzard.com/diablo2exp/wallpapers/wall11.shtml


The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.



Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave, therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions
state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to
more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
Year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

Monday, September 10, 2007

It was so bad. It was painful. It was embarrassing. And I loved it!"

Jim & Edna




Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Old Man





A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got a twenty-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to deliver a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story.

I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him.

He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.


BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."


That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot! that lion.

"Exactly" Said The Doctor

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Corporate Structure

Programmer to Team Leader :
"We can't do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it,
they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never
take these type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager :
"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager :
"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager :
"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this
project, but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO :
"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodelling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client :
"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.

Friday, September 7, 2007

The Trouble I Had With Sex

People who have dogs usually call them “Rover” or “Spots”. We’ll that’s with normal dogs and since my dog is different, I gave him a different name. I call him “Sex”. Well Sex turned out to be a very embarrassing name. One day, while taking Sex for a walk, he ran away from me. I spent hours and hours looking for him. A policeman came along and asked me what I had been doing in an alley at 2AM and I said, “I’m looking for Sex”. My case came up next week, charged with indecent solicitations.

One day I went to the town hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted and I told her I wanted a license for Sex. She said she would want one tool. When I said, “This is a dog” she said she didn’t care what it looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was five years old.” Whereupon she said, “Holy Molly, you must be very strong!”

When I decided to get married (to the town hall clerk) I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding, but he told me to try and wait after the ceremony. I said “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole life revolves around Sex”. He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding including her would enjoy having Sex there. We got thrown out of the church. We were married the next day to a Justice of Peace. My family is banned from the church.

My wife and I took the dog with us in the honeymoon and when I checked into the hotel, I told the manager I wanted a room for myself and my wife and a special room for Sex. He told me every room in the hotel is for sex. Then I said, “You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night”. He said, “I know, it keeps me awake too”.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. I said “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married”, the Judge said, “Me too!” Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, banned from my church, been married, divorced and had more jam trouble with that dog that I had ever gambled for.

Just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, he asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Well, Sex had died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and it’s lonely.” The doctor looked at me and said, “Mister, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend, so get your self a dog.”

Office Ethics 2

Arguing with your Boss is like
wrestling with a pig in mud.
After a while you realize that
while you are getting dirty,
the pig is actually enjoying it.

Camera Phone

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Office Ethics





1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When your boss catches you - and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.
10. Have 2 Jackets
If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn whilst swanning around elsewhere
11. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T share this post to your BOSS!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Nice Job


http://toparabicmusic.wordpress.com/funny-arabic-pictures/

Smile



Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
Ooops